yesterday

yesterday kind of a longg day for me.
I mean, for my mental. I done cry for the whole night. silently, worried that maybe I will distract my roommate.
I can't sleep for hours. and I had to get up early in the morning for class today, and I pass out in the class. Im done.

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last night, I got text from someone who asked , am I okay and being good or not. and Im not doing any better. honestly, getting someone to ask me rather I am good or not is not the matter. again, I think, I always burden someone about my problem. I decided to not do it anymore. why should I trouble them to hear me out ? and I also think that, me being like that, like Im going to throw people who wanted to help me away. I am sorry.

//

tbh, Im kind of really mess up for this whole week. I want to go home. I just want to run away from all of this. can all of this end ?

I can't bare to face it anymore. it torture my mental. totally abuse my health too.
I got final exam in this up coming four days, and still, Im not done studying all those chapter.
being add with this problem, and wallahi, I don't know what to do anymore.
and the most torturing is , when I have to smile for the sake of myself. how can I shows that I am not okay in front of other ? I must force myself to smile so then, I can be okay in front of other, at least. it is okay. I am okay.

I can't find the way out.

yess, this thing shall pass, but, it took way too long. oh Allah, if this calamity that happens to me, just because of my past sin, then please Allah, forgive me. I know I did wrong in the past. I want to change. I want to be good. I did tried and I know You knows. so please, show me the way out. for me to get out of this.

/
I am being soo easy to tell other whenever they face something bad to keep calm and have faith. and I can give them soothing words that may helps them. but then, when the table turn around me, I can do nothing about it.

am I actually that weak ?
facing all of this can really shows on how weak I am is.