Self-love

Assalamualaikum semua. Lama tak meluah dan bercerita. Jadi hari ni rancang nak bercerita sikit. So, here is it. My story. 

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Masa darjah enam dulu, doktor cakap aku ada gastrik, which is memang padan la muka kena sebab selalu sangat skip makan. Biasalah, zaman baru nak kenal dunia, bila dunia dah bagi guideline cakap, yang kurus itu cantik, dan yang gemuk berisi itu hodoh. Jadi terus rasa nak kena kurangkan berat badan sebab yelah, dunia tak terima orang yang hodoh. And that was me. And what I thought. 

Lepas dah tahu sakitnya dirini bila kena gastrik, terus taknak dah skip makan. Rasa macam, biarlah. Tambah pulak dah masuk menengah rendah, jadi, banyak lagi perkara yang kena fikir dari berat diei sendiri. Bila aktif main hoki lagi, rasanya okay dah bmi semua tu. Takdalah rasa macam-macam sangat. Lagipun, zaman tu takda Instagram. Bukan zaman telefon pintar sangat pun. Jadi, lebih kepada peduli pada diri sendiri dari orang lain. Dan itu tak ada apa sangat pun. 

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Dan diri aku yang beberapa hari yang lalu, ingatkan kalau self-love adalah bilamana kita terima diri kita apa adanya. Tapi, aku tahu diri aku sebenarnya menidakkan itu. Aku cuma tidak mahu terluka. Oleh manusia atau juga persekitaran. Sampai aku kira, ini bukan self-love, tapi selfish. 

Tanpa sedar, pelakuan yang dilakukan oleh minda, memberi kesan kepada hati. Namun segera juga dipujuk hati, agar tidak merasa menyesal atas apa yang telah berlaku. 

Aku bersenam, jelasnya untuk meningkatkan keyakinan diri, sedang keyakinan itu letaknya pada diri kita, bukan pada figura kita. Tapi, itulah yang aku tetapkan dalam diri. Betul² merujuk kepada acuan dunia. Bukan acuan diri sendiri. Biasalah, gaya pemikiran remaja. Masa itu. 

Dan aku mula untuk belajar kembali makna kata cintai diri. Little that I know, when I'm doing jump rope, for almost a year already,  (wow, it really this much ey?) , I learned that, it makes me easy to perform solah. Standing straight to face Him, I felt more confident with myself. As I can show to Him that, I really took care of this body that He gave me. And I am happy for that. 

But, little that I also know was, overworking also not really a good things. Doing much didn't bring any goodness too. Sedang Islam sendiri mengajar untuk bersederhana. And this was my mistake. 

I should give myself a space, for me to have a peace of mind. I kept on pushing myself until my body itself had to force myself to have a rest. And yes, I learned all of this in a hard way. Like, really hard. 

Yesterday was not really a good day. My emotions were very unstable. I easily irritated and easily felt upset over something. And I just realise that, I didn't took any proper food for the past 2 days. And I guessed that was the time my body trying to give a sign that I need to stop . 

The aftereffects of my actions was, I had a really bad stomachache and I vomit 2 times. It disturbed my sleeping hours and I'm really tired. 

It's hard. Really hard. 

But alhamdulillah,  I'm all good for today.

And I guessed,  I really need to have a proper rest. 

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I learned that, self-love is not only about your feelings, but it related to our whole body. And our surroundings too. Also the people that we love. You need to be happy. It is the real self-love. For me. 

As long as I am happy. And my surroundings is happy, my beloved ones happy, everything is good.  

So, yeah, please pray for me. And for yourself too. 

And take care. 🤍