Just a random story in a random night.

Bismillah

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious and the most Merciful,

I cant sleep. well, I usually sleep after the midnight, but for tonight, there's not really much for me to do, so I decided to sleep early than I used to, but, somehow, I just can't. Realizing that I had many things that wonder in my mind and I known that I need to write. at least, make some of this thought that wonder in my mind being jot down in here. so, please bare with me this time. >_<

so this is it, my 'sadness' phase :

--

Something actually happen to me on the very first day of this year. on first January. and it happened to be the most painful day for this year. * I really hope so. 

I tried really hard to coup with the situation back then. but somehow it just not really working. maybe because it happened so sudden until I just can't face it bravely. I tried to hide it but being me, it was so so obvious that I just can't hide that feelings in front of Ibu. and that's was my biggest breakdown. 

Ibu called me for lunch, and I just said I'm full already but actually I just don't had any appetite to eat. I told myself, I can't stayed in this room anymore, I needed to go out. and I took shower, wudhu' to perform solat and right after that, I packed my stuff and I took keys and ride out from home. 

I went to the lake and been seating there for almost an hour. (literally I just cried there). after that, my stomach asking for food. luckily I had few ringgit in my purse and I went to Ciklynn. all alone, I order my drinks. and after distract myself with book that I bring with me, I decided to go to the mosque. and the rest was history. 

and I thought, when that day already passed for a weeks, those feelings won't hurts me anymore. and I never tell anyone about what actually happened that day. until, yesterday, I told my roommate. She who I can introduce as N. I told N everything. and surprisingly, I cried again. awfully. marks my words, I thinks being 22 years old, enough to make your heart become tissues. haha. 

and I felt so sad, I cried, I let it all out and I care no more anymore. like N always be the one who sees all my flaws and all. she was the one who I can cried out loud in front of other than anyone. I cried and I literally let everything out. 

the situation just same when the last day of 2019, I cried all alone after Maghrib and after that Im just okay. only the different was, there was someone with me when I cried. I known that, crying can be one of the way you express all those feeling and for me, as someone who hardly cry, can cried like that, I can say that, I changed. 

alhamdulilah. 

its already 15 days of 2020 and I learned more than I ever thought. for everything that happened, for the past 3 years and half, around here, I gladly said to myself, 'you did a good job, dearself' as if I patted my head slowly. you did well and I thanked Allah for making all of this happen to me. 

and tbh, I'm still on thinking about my 2020 resolutions, what actually that I want to achieve for this year, and all I can say, I just want all those people that I cherished so much will live their life as what they want it to be, and I also prayed may Allah ease all of their affairs in dunya and akhirah. 

--

as what I can conclude in my 'sadness' phase was, it is okay to not be okay. like it was not the end of the world if you felt sad that day. It just not your day . you can have another day and create more memories with it. just because the starting was bad, doesn't means the end also bad. it is actually you that can make those decisions on how you want to create your day. be better. be a good one, at least for yourself. because at the end of the day, all you will have is your own self. 

it is just another day. you can try it again, Insha Allah. by His wills. and by that time, chin up and be face forward. so, even how hard life hits you, remember , A life worth living is one that is of giving, and forgiving -versus, Hlovate.  forgive, by that you will be in peace. 

--and if someone wondering how I am today, all I can say, Alhamdulilah, I'm living :)

p/s : actually I currently plan on something but surely I won't reveal it yet, or maybe never. maybe this plan can be one of my tools to help myself better InshaAllah. so, please make du'a for me . ^^

adios .