I need a break (again)

Bismillah

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious and the most Merciful,

Starting of this year, it actually quite unstable for me to move forward after what had happened. but somehow, I tried to fight this feeling and be better day by day. living itself was hard enough. but I don't want to die before I really died. so I need to brave myself and move forward. well, this is Dunya by the way, nothing goes better as what you ever wish for. 

So to avoid this overwhelming feeling to keep on around me, I make a plan. not really black and white one, but something that I usually do but maybe more frequently day by day than before. I started to write back. not to anyone, but for myself. everyday I'll make sure that I wrote summary of my thought for the whole day. (oh, I already provided myself with my notebook to wrote all those thought of mine). Its a gift actually. from my friend. she knows very well how I actually loved notebooks. may Allah bless her soul . 

I decided to read books. well, I do read books, but somehow I wanna to push myself hard to read book frequently. because, last year, although I believe that I done read more books but for this year, maybe many more books that I can read. besides, there's still a lot more books that I haven't finished read yet, so I guess I can start with that one. 

I also decided to stay away from social media i.e twitter and instagram, whatsapp for this time being. I felt like I need to take a break from those whole thing and stop to have an ill thought about anything. being me was hard enough, so I choose to slow down in everything. although I realize that my job require me to online, it makes me more harder to stand still. I need to stop myself from having all this ill thought. I was scared and believe me, I still am scared. but , nothing more that I can do unless face it. 

I stopped the act on wanting to know about other people and trust me, it cost a lot more result than this. being away from keyboard, social medias cause me found out that my middle school at Terengganu already got married. like, just being away for a while, I lost all the information. and when being away, I forget my friends birthday, wasn't there when she needs me, it somehow hurts me. like, in order for me to take care of myself, I felt like I abandon everyone. 

And all this while, it took a while for me to call my Ibu. I missed her, but somehow, I know that I can't rely much on her. if I choose to tell her what actually happened to me, I afraid that I only adding more problems in her plate while she already had enough. I know she's busy. with school, homes and all. she always that busy. May Ibu always in Allah's care. so I choose to hear her updates about what happened at school, home, about my Ayah, adiks and along. I let myself be a listener for her because I know, she also needs someone to hear her out. so let me. 

Being blessed with good people around me I thanked Allah more about that. knowing that everyone is fighting with their own battle make me thankful more in everything. like what Mato said in his book, Hiatus,   "Ujian adalah bukti bahawa Tuhan itu wujud" (Test is the living proof that God is real.) 

So, have faith in everything that happened because, there could be beauty in tragedy, anyway. -Hlovate, Schubert's Serenade. 

so, adios. 

p/s: InshaaAllah I wont afk from writing. I will and always write. so, please pray for me. ^^